baserinstincts

The Way To a Man’s Heart - A Play in One Act

ACT ONE

THE SCENE: I am lying on my bed one sunny Sunday afternoon talking to a guy on the phone. We agreed he was going to come over that night. At present the conversation is lingering on the topic of some cupcakes I’d promised him some weeks ago (one of the things we had in common, a persistent, insatiable sweet tooth). I am trying to beg off making the cupcakes using various excuses i.e. too hot to bake, don’t have the right ingredients etc.

ME: Cupcakes or cookies? You’ll have to pick one.

HIM: Well then, I guess you’ll only get one orgasm.

(Yeah, he was a cocky son of a bitch.  And rightfully so, as I’d find out later.)

ME: Wait the original deal was cupcakes for a rubdown. We’re just substituting cookies for cupcakes. Terms for sex haven’t been named yet.

HIM: We’re not negotiating sex, we’re negotiating multiple orgasms.

(And he was a smart ass. I was getting more and more turned on.)

ME: Touche. Glad you made the distinction. Ok so how about we substitute breakfast for cupcakes.

HIM: I could do that.

ME: Standard egg breakfast good for you?

HIM: Yes. I like my eggs dry and well browned.

ME: Two eggs scrambled and dry. Got it. Meat?

HIM: Three eggs. Not really a fan of bacon and sausage. Toast ?

ME: What kind of toast?

HIM: Wheat?

ME: Sprouted grain.

HIM: OK.

ME: One slice or two?

HIM: Two

ME: Jam or butter?

HIM: Jam or peanut butter is good if you have some.

ME: I have. One slice jam and one peanut butter. Any particular flavor jam?

HIM: Do you have blackberry?

ME: No. Strawberry, Raspberry, Wild Maine Blueberry, Apricot, Champagne Rose, and Fig.

(He was a fussy eater. A pet peeve of mine but I could forgive that. It had been more that half a year and if somone didn’t fuck me soon, I was convinced I would perish.)

HIM: I’ll bring some.

ME: Fine by me. Coffee or juice?

HIM: I like juice. Orange or pineapple would be nice.

ME: I like orange. Butter or oil in the skillet?

(I was making fun of him at this point but he didn’t notice.)

HIM: Do you have PAM?

ME: Don’t use PAM but I have canola oil spray. Milk or cheese in your eggs?

HIM: No diary but salt and pepper. Maybe even some onions or garlic…

(I cut him off, inches away from annoyance)
ME: We’ll see.

HIM: Okay so call me when you get out of the movies.

ME: Sure.

I hung up and shook my head.

ME (to self): This had better be some damn good…

Edible Sex- Sex and the Shellfish

So do oysters really make you horny?

My first experience with this deep sea gem wasn’t a particularly pleasant one.

It was years ago and perhaps my palate was a little underdeveloped at the time. Or maybe they just weren’t that fresh. But I didn’t like them. They tasted like seawater.

Last year, after a friend and co-worker raved about them (and also touted their purported aphrodisiac abilities) I decided to give them another try. I’m a huge fan of shellfish, and not because of any libido enhancing effects (lack of libido has never been my problem anyway) but because I just love shellfish. I didn’t want to leave the oysters out unless I absolutely had to.

I took a trip to the farmers market and lo and behold, fresh oysters were being sold. I bought about a dozen of them, took them home and put them in the freezer. I then purchased an oyster knife and a lemon.

The next day, I took a half dozen of my oysters out of the freezer and let them sit for a little bit. Then I got out my oyster knife and began shucking (nearly killing myself in the process). Oysters successfully shucked, I arranged them on a plate, squeezed some lemon on them, topped it all off with a dash of hot sauce, took a deep breath and dove in.

They were delicious. Absolutely delicious. The next day, I fried up the other half and decided that I like them much better raw.

Can’t remember if I ended up feeling noticeably more “amorous” afterward.

The notion of oysters as aphrodisiacs became popularized by Roman satirist Juvenal in the second century after describing the wanton ways of women after they’d feasted on wine and oysters.

Why oysters?

Well, take another look.

The “law of similarity” states that any food resembling a particular body part is somehow good for that body part. However flawed that logic may or may not be, it’s easy to see the resemblance these babies bear to the female sex organ.

Oysters are actually quite nutritious but the fact that they contain high levels of zinc in particular also contributes to it’s reputation. Zinc controls progesterone levels which have a positive effect on the libido. They also contain omega 3 fats which also have positive effects on libido and mood.

While it isn’t scientifically proven that oysters contribute to good sexual health, they sure are fun to eat and maybe the expectation creates some kind of placebo response.

Take Casanova for instance.

The notorious 18th century rake ate up to sixty oysters a day. According to his memoirs, he seduced over one hundred women.

His favorite way to eat an oyster? He tells us in Volume Six:

“I placed the shell on the edge of her lips and after a good deal of laughing, she sucked in the oyster, which she held between her lips. I instantly recovered it by placing my lips on hers.”

Gotta try that one.