The day before I got invited to pose for this calendar, I weighed in at 190 pounds.

I wasn’t expecting to see much less than that. I had been flirting with the 200 pound mark for some time now, but at 190, those flirtations just got that much more heated.

Posing scantily clad for a calendar? I admit there was a time when such a prospect would scare the shit out of me.

But not now.

As women, it seems we’re destined to struggle with our bodies in one way or another. We seem to always want to change ourselves. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be fitter and healthier, I find that such changes are better and longer lasting when you come from a place of self love rather than self loathing.

I eventually just gave up the idea that there was something wrong with me. I gave myself permission to roll a little here or sag a little there.

Because sexy is not at all about what number the scale registers. It’s about how you work what you’ve got.

That being said, I always felt a weird affinity with Jessica Rabbit. I dressed up as her for senior pride back in high school. I use her as my avatar when I don’t want to use my picture. It only seemed right that I interpret her in this calendar project.

I saw Jessica and I as having a lot in common. Besides the tendency to pop out of our dresses, we were both misjudged because of how we looked.

In the film Jessica, because of the way she was built and because she was just so damned sexy was immediately thought to be a shrewish and unfaithful wife. In reality she wasn’t and went to great lengths to protect her rabbit husband. We all remember her famous quip, “I’m not bad I’m just drawn that way”, but there was another part in the movie where she confesses to Valiant, “you have no idea how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.”

I know how you feel, sister.

Because I was similarly “stacked”, I had a hell of a time during my school days. Wearing a C cup by the time I was twelve and still growing fast, I was constantly harassed by classmates, male and female alike.

To the guys I was an object, a walking pair of breasts. To the girls I was a slut, plain and simple (which really was laughable because they were all fucking way before I was).

Any big breasted woman can tell you, we get a bad rap for no other reason than we were given a little extra.

What was awesome about Jessica Rabbit was that instead of trying to hide it (as if she could hide those things even if she tried) she just owned it, braving all the looks and snide comments. She just continued to be who she was.

I learned this lesson the hard way myself after spending five grand on a breast reduction operation only to have them grow back within a few years. My girls were sending me a message. “We’re here to stay”, they seemed to be telling me, and finally, I’m at peace with that. I want to celebrate that.

I know it’s a little loony because she’s a cartoon, but Jessica Rabbit is one of my heroes and I plan to do right by her in this calendar.

Of course you’ll have to buy one in order  to see my tribute…

Drag Me to Hell download

The Beguiled film I think it’s about time Oprah covered a topic like this (and you know once Oprah says she’s doing it, everybody will be doing it as well… which is a good thing by the way).

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This time things were quite different. I was already in my own place and I had a boyfriend who seemingly adored me and wanted to move in with me.

I should have said no.

I know I should have said no but I said yes (and trust me, over a year later I’m still kicking myself for it).

I said yes because he gave me this sob story about how he hates his apartment and he hates his roommate and he’s living in poverty etc., etc.

I felt for him.

And the prospect of having my rent cut in half was an extremely attractive one.

Here I had the opposite problem. Before, it was always me trying to make it work, hanging on in a fog of insecurity and idealist perceptions of love. And it was he who realized way before I did that we’d made a mistake and wanted to be free.

This time it was he who was insecure and clinging and I who’d realized the mistake and wanted to be free.

There were several other reasons this one was doomed from the start.

One was that the apartment was too small. Well not exactly. It was the perfect size for me (and my cat). Add another person into the mix and you’re headed for trouble.

Second…a writer and a musician (drummer) living together? Bad news.

Thirdly, if shack up one must, it is better for both parties to leave their current residences and get a new place together. A place that will feel like it belongs to the both of you. When one person just moves in with the other, everything is cute as first but inevitably it starts to feel as though one is in the other’s space. Not once, in the entire year living with “number 2″, did I ever stop thinking about the apartment as mine versus thinking of it as ours.

Another valuable thing I learned about myself is that I am an introvert.
I’d never considered myself an introvert because I was always friendly and got along with people. Then my ex (an unbelievable and shameless extrovert), showed me an article and it was spot on.

We broke up sometime later.

It was beyond difficult and for awhile he simply refused to leave.

When he finally did leave, moving clear across the country to get away from me, it was as if I’d held my breath for a year and was now able to breathe again.

Next lesson: take it slow.

The reason we didn’t work was no big secret. We had rushed things and that was the simple fact of it all. We took a step that was way too big for two people who knew so little of each other. And months later, when they honeymoon was over and those true colors started to shine on through, we discovered simply that we just didn’t like each other.

I knew better. I can’t even blame him.

Also when you get too used to living alone (and liking it, no loving it), it is in most cases too late.

Which brings me to a final valuable lesson: this shackin’ up shit just ain’t for me.

I am at heart the cat. The loving yet fiercely independent cat that will rub against your feet, let you feed me and stroke me, make you think I adore you.

And then dash out as soon as you open the door to roam around the block.

I may return, and then again I may not.