baserinstincts

Penis Envy

I was reading this post over on Funky Brown last week and it got me to thinking.

Is that all men have to complain about?

Inopportune erections?

I’ll do you one better. In fact, I’ll do you three better.

Junior High, 7th grade -  I was on my period. I think I was the last of my friends to get it. I hadn’t even  even heard the phrase “Always with Wings” yet. So my friends and I are in the pizza shop during our lunch break. The period was particularly heavy and my tampon, unbeknownst to me, was leaking something awful. When I got up to return to school, blood had soaked through my gray checked uniform skirt and onto the booth in the pizza shop. The stain was huge, but the worst part was watching one of the employees have to come behind me and clean up my blood.

High School, Junior Year -I was in gym class. One of my bra straps popped during jumping jacks (I’m a big busted woman so my girls were noticeaby lopsided after that). I was supposed to be meeting a guy after school and had to cancel my date for fear of wierding him out with my lopsided titties (I was used to men staring but I wasn’t about to give them extra reason to).

Freshman Year of College - Mr. H, hitherto the fuck of my life, had a mean cock that he wielded with deathly precision. After one particular episode I remember walking home, lost in post coital bliss, when I felt something move in my bowels, or rather, felt my bowels move.

In my pants.

How can you play something like that off? The worst part was that a very astute observer calls out to me on the street and says “Miss there’s something on the back of your pants.” I turn around and muttered that I accidentally sat in something on the bus (because what was I supposed to say…”my boyfriend fucked the shit out of me”…
literally). “Well people will find it looks bad,” she added. 

I had about seven blocks to go.

True story.

So the moral? I’d take an unsolicited woodie over any of the above incidents any day.

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