Performance Pressure

December 5, 2008 on 11:53 am | In sin-securities |

photo by flickr user jrblackwell

I was beginning to worry that he was one of those guys that just couldn’t get off unless I was constantly saying filthy things to him.

It’s not that I’m against the whole potty mouthed slut routine. It’s just that I have trouble doing it on command.

Instead of concentrating on the feeling of the cock and the fucking, I’m now racking my brain for clever and dirty things to say.

People expect writers to automatically be great communicators. But just because one can express herself well in written form doesn’t mean she has the same success or ease when it comes to verbal communication (I even contemplated writing out a script and then reciting it while in bed…figured later that it wouldn’t be a good idea).

I’d like to be more vocal during sex because I know my partner really likes it but the talking has to come about organically. Hearing constant commands to “talk dirty to me” or “tell me how much you love this cock” etc. only gives me a weird anxiety.

Wait, you mean you want me to fuck your brains out and give you play by play?

Too bad noises don’t count. If they did, I’d score highly since I’ve been known to get really loud.

Plus, I kinda find the whole thing distracting. A little dirty talk here and there is great and I have no problems saying wonderfully dirty things before and after the act but carrying on the equivalent of a full filthy conversation is totally different. It takes my mind away from what’s going on and I can’t be fully present in the sex itself. I need my mind in order to get off.

This is why I sucked at/hated working the phones.

I was good at phone sex and enjoyed it immensely in my personal experience.

After my ex fiancee and I had broken up for like the millionth time, I was in somewhat of a bad way. I was working full time and going to school full time and struggling to pay everything by myself.  Professional phone sex seemed like an attractive option at the time. I could do it from home and make the extra money I needed.

But I hated just about every minute I spent working the phones. The constant performance pressure was too much for me. And then factor in that for me, like many people, the enjoyment of an activity fades once you have to do it and get paid for it.

I quit the phone as soon as I could.

So yes, I like to talk dirty.

But I guess once I have to it’s just not fun anymore.

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