baserinstincts

A Room of One’s Own - Conclusion

R&B artist John Legend had a song on his album Get Lifted called Ordinary People. The words of this song really struck a chord with me.

We are all only humans, just ordinary people. While we are capable of, and often experience spiritually transcendent moments, we tend to also fall into a perpetual trap of expecting too much from ourselves and our partners.

We all fuck up. We all fall short. And this is no less true in relationships.

There is no one person out there that is going to “complete you”. You will not get all you need, in one person (and if you do, please contact the government agencies that are heading up the cloning project).

Things change. They change suddenly and they change pretty frequently. How can one be sure of what one wants two weeks from now much less fifty years from now?

People however, don’t change. Yes, they make tweaks and adjustments here and there but this is all very superficial. The essence of a person, I believe, does not change. What many people refer to as internal change is really only a change in environment.

A friend of mine said to me once that her parents told her that in order for a marriage to work, one person must always bend to the other’s will. I don’t know if this is true but if it is, I don’t see that person being me and I would not respect a man who allowed himself to be constantly bent.

The reasons people shack up are varied and many times, these reasons have absolutely nothing to do with love. Convenience is a huge factor. Economics is another big one (especially in cities like New York where the cost of living gets more ridiculous every year).

Loneliness is another reason.

And then there’s fear. Nothing good ever comes in acting through fear unless you’re taking actions to save your life in a dangerous situation and even then that could be deadly.

In my case it was a combination of insecurity and wanting to get out from under my mother the first time around. The second time, it was the ol’ one two punch of economics and convenience. All pretty shitty reasons.

The point is to know your motivation. Don’t kid yourself. Your reasons will dictate the results.

The important thing to remember is that expectations differ and so you need to talk about them and get them all on the table way ahead of time. You need to know that you and your partner have similar values and goals in life and that you want to make a life together, not just try to fit each other into your already separate lives. Financial compatibility is key (money will be the subject of most fights). And you need to know that it’s not going to be a walk in the park on most days.

I’m not saying don’t do it.

I’m saying know thyself.

I know me.

And I won’t be cohabiting, be it with friend, family, or fuck, anytime soon.