The Way To a Man’s Heart - A Play in One Act

June 23, 2008 on 1:55 pm | In edible sex, reminiscences |

ACT ONE

THE SCENE: I am lying on my bed one sunny Sunday afternoon talking to a guy on the phone. We agreed he was going to come over that night. At present the conversation is lingering on the topic of some cupcakes I’d promised him some weeks ago (one of the things we had in common, a persistent, insatiable sweet tooth). I am trying to beg off making the cupcakes using various excuses i.e. too hot to bake, don’t have the right ingredients etc.

ME: Cupcakes or cookies? You’ll have to pick one.

HIM: Well then, I guess you’ll only get one orgasm.

(Yeah, he was a cocky son of a bitch.  And rightfully so, as I’d find out later.)

ME: Wait the original deal was cupcakes for a rubdown. We’re just substituting cookies for cupcakes. Terms for sex haven’t been named yet.

HIM: We’re not negotiating sex, we’re negotiating multiple orgasms.

(And he was a smart ass. I was getting more and more turned on.)

ME: Touche. Glad you made the distinction. Ok so how about we substitute breakfast for cupcakes.

HIM: I could do that.

ME: Standard egg breakfast good for you?

HIM: Yes. I like my eggs dry and well browned.

ME: Two eggs scrambled and dry. Got it. Meat?

HIM: Three eggs. Not really a fan of bacon and sausage. Toast ?

ME: What kind of toast?

HIM: Wheat?

ME: Sprouted grain.

HIM: OK.

ME: One slice or two?

HIM: Two

ME: Jam or butter?

HIM: Jam or peanut butter is good if you have some.

ME: I have. One slice jam and one peanut butter. Any particular flavor jam?

HIM: Do you have blackberry?

ME: No. Strawberry, Raspberry, Wild Maine Blueberry, Apricot, Champagne Rose, and Fig.

(He was a fussy eater. A pet peeve of mine but I could forgive that. It had been more that half a year and if somone didn’t fuck me soon, I was convinced I would perish.)

HIM: I’ll bring some.

ME: Fine by me. Coffee or juice?

HIM: I like juice. Orange or pineapple would be nice.

ME: I like orange. Butter or oil in the skillet?

(I was making fun of him at this point but he didn’t notice.)

HIM: Do you have PAM?

ME: Don’t use PAM but I have canola oil spray. Milk or cheese in your eggs?

HIM: No diary but salt and pepper. Maybe even some onions or garlic…

(I cut him off, inches away from annoyance)
ME: We’ll see.

HIM: Okay so call me when you get out of the movies.

ME: Sure.

I hung up and shook my head.

ME (to self): This had better be some damn good…

33 Comments »

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  1. HA! I love it.

    I used to have a rule - if you spent the night, you had the option of a hot breakfast, which grew in to a personal slogan “They come for the hot sex, but stay for the hot breakfast”

    Sometimes they had to opt for the yogurt/banana combo because we over slept, but there was always the option of toast, eggs, and coffee.

    Comment by Wendy Blackheart — June 23, 2008 #

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  3. That’s just awesome. Except that now I want cupcakes and multiple orgasms.

    Comment by Rona — June 28, 2008 #

  4. In my house multiple cookies means multiple orgasms. LOL… not sure what more than one cupcake would translate to.

    :) Honey

    Comment by Miss Honey — July 6, 2008 #

  5. This was just fucking hilarious! I have yet to negotiate food for orgasms… Found Myself laughing out loud at this. Great post :-)
    Sascha

    Comment by Lady Sascha — July 6, 2008 #

  6. Man oh man, “Will have sex for food!” Laughed out loud and at the same time remembered making omelets for an almost-fuckbuddy when I’d promised myself I wouldn’t (he was a cocky bastard too). we still didn’t have sex, tho… hope your luck is better than mine.

    Comment by Molly Ren — July 6, 2008 #

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