Sunday was my “wedding” day.
To be perfectly honest, up until the very last minute I was thinking about calling the whole thing off. But when the alarm went off, or rather when my cat insisted that I feed him, I got up and decided to just do it.
I hadn’t yet written my vows, I was putting it off until the last minute an this was surely the last minute. I sat at my dining room table with a small bowl of cereal, a pen and some paper and began to write my vows. The words came easier than I thought they would (but that could just be a result of me waiting for the last minute because that’s how it always seems to go in that case).
Satisfied with the vows I had written, I put on my “wedding sweater” (I’d decided against a dress but I did find this gorgeous, off-white, turtleneck sweater at Forever 21. It came with a woven belt and had these really puffy, dramatic sleeves that had pearl buttons sewn into them. I picked it up immediately and bought it.) some skinny jeans and brown leather flats. I arranged my orchids into a bouquet. I packed up my cupcakes, put my hair up, put on my earrings and some lipstick and hit the road.
I met my cousin at the 72nd street train station and we walked into Central Park together. Most of the attendees were already on Bow Bridge waiting for me. When the last guest trickled in, we started the ceremony.
My cousin was the officiant for the wedding and she gathered everyone in a hand holding circle around us. She read out loud, piece by piece, the vows I’d written and I repeated them back to her. With every sentence, I felt another piece of the blackness that had been weighing on my spirit for so long lift, and my smile grew wider and wider.
It was seriously the most life-affirming thing I’ve ever done and I’m so glad I decided to go through with it.
Afterward, I hugged my cousin and then hugged each woman in the circle and gave her a flower from my bouquet. Then we had cake and went to brunch.
It’s hard to describe how I feel now. The muck is definitely still there, palpable at times.
But at least now I know that the muck won’t break me. It’s there, I acknowledge its presence and that it sucks and then I get on with the business of living.
These are my vows:
I, Desiree Jenae Moodie, do solemnly promise to do whatever it takes to know who I really am, and live as that person, totally awake and aware and whole within myself. I commit to unwavering, uncompromising honesty with myself no matter what. I promise to listen to my intuition, to believe that it’s real, and to learn to trust its guidance more and more everyday. I promise to freely and fully express myself and to not apologize for who I am or who I am not. I promise to respect myself and be kind to myself. I will make my happiness a priority and forgive myself when I’m not perfect. I will trust myself and stand within the power of my own strength. I will love myself forever more, through good and bad, thick and thin, and for exactly who I am today. I promise I will never, ever, ever, settle for less than what my heart and soul desire.
To all the wonderful ladies that were in attendance, thank you for sharing this day with me.
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I can’t tell you how full of admiration I am for you! So many times we hide away, bury our heads in the sand, avoid, isolate… but you grabbed that bull by the horns and lived to tell the tale. Thank you for sharing your story.